I was told, after my recent “heartbreak”, if you can call it that, (what was it an 11 day romance? Please.) that I needed to take responsibility for drawing this into my life, for creating the life lesson to propel me forward on my spiritual path. That all my, “but he said this” and “did this” and “what about this vagrant abuse of the female species, not to mention all the women on his facebook wall”, and what about the words “I LOVE YOU!!”..Doesn’t that mean anything to anyone anymore? Or have we all gotten so spiritualized and tantracized that we say it to the mailman with the same meaning we say it to the person who just happens to be in our bed. That all these excuses were really just to justify my not taking responsibility for the creation of my own reality. Honestly, I think the words I Love You are used far to often with far too much flippancy, and I would like to claim, that when I say them, I honestly mean them. Well, at least I think I do, because now that I look back on it, how can you honestly love someone you have no actual life experience with. Which brings up the deeper questions of what is real love? And more importantly what is illusion? And how do we take responsibility for every lesson that comes into our lives, as trying to teach us, to grow us, to evolve us and our illusions of love. That’s some heavy duty responsibility, especially when the other person has done or said things that most certainly justify our behavior and our excuses not to face really taking responsibility for our own pain. And our own creative illusins. Ouch.
Now, rifling thru the fleeting time I had with this person, I mean really 11 days is not enough to know much, I can see instance after instance of moments when my body distinctly let me know that things were not as kosher as my fantastical mind wanted to believe. That really, what was happening was chemistry and energy and a need making itself manifest as a person, that I could project my desires and the unmet parts of myself, that secretly yearned to be held and seen and appreciated. Unmet parts of myself. Unmet. Only to have these parts of myself, still not met, because this person was unavailable. How could he be available? I wasn’t available to myself. He was throwing crumbs at me and I was running after them, reaching outside of myself, away from the parts of me inside at war and in conflict because I was under the illusion that if he could supply some of that missing love, that somehow, that would nourish me. But this is the trap we all fall into, time after time, relationship after relationship, this idea that something outside of ourselves can fulfill us. And at the same time, this person was reflecting where I was at with myself…This is supposed to be a love story, a tale of heartbreak, drama and conflict, a tale of transformation and evolution. It’s also a soap opera, a day-dream and mental fantasy projected on the tapestry of God’s great love. And in the end it is truth and it is true love. And there is also some great laughter. It’s not a spiritual self-help book. Oh gosh I know i started to sound like that, didn’t I, but it’s not that either. It’s not a case history…”John and Melora met at a bar but quickly realized they had entered an addictive pattern based on parental wounds and low self worth, left over from the abuse they had both received in their childhoods”. No. Its not that. Too Oprah. Please have this read as a cosmic instance of life lesson, that birthed a woman birthing herself for all the right reasons, because she wanted to kiss the sky of the goddess and break free of all the misunderstood parts of herself and the shackles of pain and suffering. That she realized she had been inflicting on herself her own pain for no other reason than habit and pointing the finger outward to an easy target:: A Lover done no good.
I knew from the beginning things were a rye. This is what fascinates me about these life tests, we always know, there are signs, some so obvious we look back and say, how the hell did I miss that? But this is the power of illusion, it lies. In such a pretty pretty way, we kind of like it, lets face it we do like it. Well we like it till it hurts. Then we don’t like it and want to change it. We want to get real, because we suddenly realize the good stuff is in reality. But the signs of the illusion are always there, because truth never lies if we are listening. Like when for instance, when talking about whether each of us desired a boyfriend or girlfriend, his response was “yeah sometimes I want a girlfriend, like when I am watching a funny movie, and the funny part comes and I want to cuddle up next to someone. But then I get one and I don’t want one.” Really? This is your reason for wanting a connection with someone? A funny movie cuddle? This should have been clue numero biggy because my response, in my head of course, so I didn’t sound too spiritual wacko and scare the guy off, was “I want to merge our souls and travel to god while stopping only to hold each other accountable when the shadows flair and the storms come, I want someone who will rise and do what needs to be done for the children.( Okay that was Oriah Mountain Dreamer, but still it came into my thoughts), I want the real deal, soul quenching spiritual relationship that doesn’t stop at “committment fears” or “shes cuter” or “I am bored”, the kind of exchange that takes you faster to God, that pushes you beyond your boundaries, that forces you to face your fears, the kind that stretches your heart over the fire of truth and makes a barbecue out of all your illusions. Funny movie cuddles? I mean sure. That is certainly something to strive for along the way. Those certainly add to spiritual evolution. Are you getting my point with this comparison? The dude was not even meeting me in the same arena of relationship. He was still at the Drive In. I wanted to be the star up on the screen. He was flirting with me, he wasn’t wanting to invest in a serious meeting, at least not with me and even though his words made it sound otherwise (another thing I learned, the truth is not in the words), he really was just looking for a good time passing through…..Yet somehow this was considered “tantric”. And somehow I thought it was because he was deep and “unattached” Unavailable more like it. And truly, the guy has every right to be, the more evolved thing would be to walk the other way in peace and say…this guy is no bueno for me and its okay. But I didn’t I continued.
Like when for instance, he kept bringing up other girls and girlfriends. Like in bed. While I was in the bed. Available. Female. Post tantric workshop juicy. Also on the computer or phone alot, while i was also in the bed. Available. Female. Post tantric workshop juicy. It wasn’t until I had to ask the question in the morning of a sleepless night, “are you attracted to me?”. My god how low will a girl go to make sense of a boys strange behavior. And his proclamation somehow demonstrated he was, because then the passion flared. Yet what had I suffered to get there? And then it became all about that….the verbal demonstration of wanting to have sex. Wow. We went from 0 to 60. Ever wonder if you feel confusion from another, what it really is in them? For me, when I feel confusion in another, I assume that it means there is some reason we should not be together, because their soul must be picking up something beyond their conscious behavior. Is this a false assumption? Was it my own confusion? I mean I was confused the whole time, wanting to be close, then feeling like, no I didn’t, especially when I saw this person all over every other girl but me, yet proclaiming many romantic things to make me think otherwise. Yeah, I have to admit, never have I experienced that from a guy, it was absolutely an emotional roller coaster within my own heart. And really how could I get trapped into thinking this guy had any control over my heart? That he had anything that I would need outside of the abundance inside of me….the goddess? The goddess living inside of me, as me, with me, for me, beyond me, in spite of me? And I was tripping over a few crumbs along the path….
Which brings up yet another life lesson. Tantra. Tantra World. Tantra in the West. Tantra land….where people come together to try and be more conscious about their relationships and sexuality. To learn, to train, to grow, to also help others. It doesn’t mean they have the answers nor does it mean they are more advanced or living more consciously. In fact it usually means opposite. Myself included. We share what we need to learn. We heal what we need to heal. We are all wounded healers. We all are doing the best we can. We all have our shit. We all …whatever other spiritual words you can put in here…..we are all God’s children. Not everyone on the tantric path is looking for some beautiful advanced relationship, not everyone has communication skills, not everyone is there because they want to see the face of God or transmute their karma to find enlightenment. And some people are. Some people quite magically definitely are. They aren’t hiding behind being “detached” and “removed”as some great spiritual mask which really translates into, emotionally unavailable to really feel or go deep into the scarey parts. Which translates into, I am scared of getting messy. Which translates into, I am unavailable for the kind of relationship you are looking for Lady.
Do I sound angry in this post? Probably. A bit. Yes, there was disappointment that my illusion didn’t last….that it didn’t fulfill my expectations, that it didn’t get in there and beautify everything left in my toxic mind. That it couldn’t save me from myself and my own pain, fear, expectations, and projections. That I had to see myself when it wasn’t very flattering. That I had to see where I was withholding love out of my own stingy self inflicted fear. That I wanted something from someone who couldn’t really give it, and while I knew that, I continued to try and get it, so I could feel the pain of an unresolved childhood. How perfect my spiritual guide tells me. When you can have gratitude for your lessons, you know you are growing, you know you are evolving. When you can see that life is presenting you with exactly what you need to experience and learn in order to really reach for the ultimate love. For the love that will never leave you, deny you, forget you, just want a part of you, or find you imperfect in any way. That Love. Isn’t that the greatest love story ever written? Yes,well, I also like the one with Ryan Gosling when he drives the car around and really loves the girl. He is so good at being in love. I wonder what roles he will play when he is old? I wonder if his love life confuses him as much as mine does….I wonder if he wants to let go of his illusions and find perfection in every moment. I wonder if he also thinks the young cute guy with the grin of a thousand lights, with his hands in every direction, really is a beautiful soul with alot to offer somebody, somewhere, sometime….but maybe it’s not supposed to be me. Maybe he was just my illusion of the moment and I was his. And maybe out of that is born a truer love from the seeking, deep within my own heart, for where I abandoned my own ship for but a small approximation to real love….for where ultimately, I am getting exactly what I asked for. Heartbreak into the heart open….Okay and let’s be honest, just to save face, it’s not like I was SO in love with the guy, like I said, it was a beautiful illusion.